It’s not supposed to make sense.
Every little bit of life attacking your joy is not supposed to ride in on clarity and park itself inbetween peace and contentment.
Sometimes God is quiet.
Sometimes He is so so quiet and all you can hear, and all you can find to make sense of are the loud, deafening words of every lie that has ever been whispered in your ear.
When the truth is in the silence and the lies are laced inside the reverberating gong being sounded it becomes common and natural to allow them to take up residence and pull out a cot and settle into the very core of your heart.
I wish I could tell you that with all the Jesus that has been given to me and all the grace that has been poured over me and all the goodness that I have come to see that I do not entertain my weak moments.
After seeing every chain broken and every dark shadow illuminated by the One who has snatched my very soul from death, I wish I could say that I do not notice the pain anymore and I do not hear the mockery of my enemy.
I wish I could call myself strong, and place attributes above my name like “brave”, and “confident”, and “content”.
I wish I could tell you that I don’t doubt, and that every moment of every day I am affirmed by my full peace and assurance of all the plans God has for my life.
The truth is, though, that is not the case.
I am scared, I am confused, and I am weak.
So so weak.
Each day is a battle against all the plaguing doubts and fears that God will forget me where I am.
That He will only do so much before He gets bored, and His eyes start drifting, and someone else catches His eye.
I am terrified that He will drop the strings to work on someone else, and I will lie there limp, lifeless, and without any purpose.
Every ounce of my being desires for God to use me, in some capacity, to give Him back some glory. Every fiber of my being screams of the need to be utilized and set into action by a God who has cradled my hurts in His hands and has created oxygen-filled life out of all the things which had only resembled darkness and death.
A lot of times I don’t understand the moments of God’s silence like I want to, other than to simply say I am not always listening. Maybe what I call God being silent is really Him just waiting for me to stop and finally take a second to actually listen.
I’ve gotta say that right now – today, in this moment, I am feeling a lot more confusion than I am confidence, but the rest I take in that is knowing that He is not the author of confusion, so I can cling to hope and the understanding that all that I am feeling is not orchestrated by Him.
We can’t always make sense of life – some moments are just too painful and some moments we are too weary to clear the way and fully understand what is going on.
Praise Jesus His sticking with us is not dependent on our ability to decipher our emotions.
God may be silent at times, but He is always present.
In the moment you find yourself weeping on your bed, He is present.
In the instant when all you feel is broken, He is present.
When you can’t see your worth, He is present.
And this is God ringing truth in our ears – that every time I fail Him His promises become more sure than I have ever experienced before. Each time I find myself on my knees, weighted down by all the burdens of this life, He keeps picking me back up. Every time I claim that I don’t understand Him He always seems to prove His sovereignty through pain – He shows me value in my frailty. And each time I beg Him for peace, each time I tell Him I am tired, just so tired, He gives me rest.
It’s easy for me to tell you to not allow your past, or your present, to rob you of your joy – but if I am truthful with you then I would tell you that right now, in this moment, I am allowing just that to take place. What is it about our hearts and about pain that is so much easier to acknowledge and lay hold of and remember than our joy and contentment?
Yesterday evening I was talking to a friend and I admitted that I don’t always understand God, and right now all I feel is confusion and a sense of loss and like I have failed somehow – like there is something I am doing wrong that I am just not getting and not seeing. I must be waiting wrong, or praying wrong, or seeking Him wrong, or following Him wrong. The splendor of our God shows up when we acknowledge that is not how He works.
Just because I am in the midst of a struggle does not mean that God is not good.
Really, in the midst of the struggle is when I have understood His goodness most.
It is wrapped inside promises that He is bigger than this life.
It is tucked inbetween the words proclaiming that every tear we have ever cried He stores away and the proclamation that we are inscribed into the palm of His hands.
His goodness is found in the desert, in the dry, desolate place of our insecurities – it is found there because there we are left with no other options but to finally look up and see Him standing there, and presented to us is the only choice but to open up our ears and listen to the poetry He has created in our names – left wandering a desert we are faced with the grace of God’s truths, and in that place He tells us that He has sought us and that He has betrothed Himself to us willingly – He has united Himself to us in love and faithfulness, compassion and kindness.
How do we deserve this type of loyalty when every day we struggle to even dedicate a small amount of our time to Him?
When we so frequently become unfaithful to Him and thus declaring the sin offered us of more value than He?
What a crazy God we have been rescued by, He gives grace upon grace upon grace even when we strip and we steal and we even simply forget at exactly what high price our souls have been bought for.
Whatever season of life you are in, right now, it has one purpose – one amazing, glorious purpose – it is for Jesus.
No matter how dissatisfied you are in your mundane job, or how deeply you struggle in your singleness, or how bitter you may be in your marriage, or how lost you feel in your school – or how purposeless you feel in any circumstance of life – all of it, every last season of your life, is for Jesus.
Nothing will bring you more fulfillment than reveling in God’s glory and surrendering to the fact that He is in control of your life – it may sound scary but it is exciting to know that we have been designed with a purpose, and no matter where we are at in life, we are perfectly where we should be and it is created for eternal reasons.
Some of the struggles will filter in and out, but I think you will find that despite trials in your life you will find more and more that with each piece of life that attempts to steal your joy, God will replenish it all the more – you cannot be robbed as easily as Satan would like you to believe.
Hold fast, fight the fight, remember with what purpose you were created, and have peace knowing that there are greater things ahead than those you leave behind.