And after I had taken hold of every little thing the world had to offer me I was left standing in a downpour of my own wreaked havoc; drenched in the tears of a God who battled hard against every demon that so very desperately tried to claw its way into a heart held captive by its own deceit. Unaware of the wicked that ever so gradually began to seep in through the crevices of where I claimed my worth lay, I allowed dissatisfaction to mold me.
In the silent, inward shaping of the most impressionable area of my flesh I willingly sought out and beckoned discontentment to come take up residence, to breed and overpopulate in every corner of my shallow, joy-less heart.
And I built up a facade of strength with each rung of cynicism and envy I could find, each chink in the armor created a faux representation of a heart after God’s will.
My heart knew that it could never be satisfied with all of the dissolvable, sugar-coated fill-ins that I tried to fool it into thinking were something that could ever last.
So my spirit taught me a lesson on emptiness – you can fill a void to the brim with things that dissolve, and break, and die, and disappoint, you can heap your loneliness and dissatisfaction up with the flattery of all the things that you want to last and finally add worth to the areas of your life that are normally only occupied by insecurities and easily-shattered value, but it will never last, it will leave you, and you will be left starving all the more for something of sustenance.
That is where I fully realized, that satisfaction does not lie in any one of the things that I constantly strive for and think will give me completeness, and it is in that realization that my heart has begun to long only for Jesus.
I grew up riddled by the knowledge that our hearts are meant to be guarded, because they are a wellspring of life (Prov 4:23), and that they simultaneously are deceitfully wicked above all else (Jer 17:9). If our hearts are so wicked than why are we taught to guard them as if they were something precious?
And I wonder…are we told to guard our hearts, not because they are so very precious, beautiful, and delicate, but more because they are deceitfully wicked?
Is it because we cannot trust them, because they will burn us and deceive us, that we need to guard them, is it because of our capability of hurting others that we need to guard them?
I do not trust my heart. I do not want to be led by it, I do not want to follow it.
I am not afraid of the ashes that God has turned into beauty, I am not afraid of the parts of me that God says have worth through His redemption and mercy, no, I am afraid of the parts of me that are capable of tripping up and landing headfirst into all the places I told myself I would never be.
After cynicism made its bed, discontentment settled in comfortably, envy made itself at home, and the rhythmical sound of my pitiful tears began to hit the roof, the realization that I built this home, that I created this mess, hit me like a rock.
I smothered myself in the grief of the part of me I felt was missing, and completely drowned out the incessant reminders of God’s splendor and grace on my life.
I think maybe now I fully understand what it is like to feel genuinely lonely for the other half God has out there for you – I think sometimes God allows you to get burned by your own idea of what you thought it was you wanted – I think He allows you to grasp it and be severely disappointed by it, because it is through that that He molds your heart and changes your “ideal” into an unwillingness to settle for anything less than His perfect will. It is not that you are looking for someone who is perfect in any way, but someone who is more in love with God than they’ll ever be in love with you. I suppose that sounds ridiculous to most people, and honestly, I can’t say I blame you if you think I am whacked for feeling that way, but it is not until you have really experienced and embraced the love of God and how unconditional it is, that what your heart really wants changes.
A year ago I wanted affection. I wanted affirmation. I wanted to be a healer and to be outwardly beautiful.
A year ago I wanted star-lit skies and a hand to hold. I wanted good morning texts and good night phone calls. I wanted to be needed.
A year ago I wanted to feel complete and satisfied by companionship and my value to someone else.
I tell you, it takes God flipping the table on its head to really strip you of all the things that only mean nothing and have no value in the end. I am happy that God had to allow my heart to be wrecked momentarily to truly show me what He desires for me and to really turn my desires on their head.
I want to serve God with someone. I want passion for Christ behind eyes that are striving to serve Him. I want a spiritual leader and someone who inspires me to draw closer to Christ. Someone who will pray with me and pray for me. Someone who will be honest and lead me in God’s word and truth.
I just can’t tell you enough, that after you experience a pseudo form of what it is you think you want and are left confused and broken God will show you the true value of waiting for a man after His heart. Something has changed inside of me. I am no longer daydreaming and wasting time thinking about that perfect hand to hold or perfect person to “make me happy”, but rather praying that whatever God does, if someone is out there that He means to be for me, that he will be so enraptured in God’s grace and faithfulness that nothing else matters to him. My loneliness has changed from being what I feel I am missing and needing to be needed, and has turned into an ache to serve God alongside them and build them up and grow and learn more and more of God’s character with them. I am lonely for them because I know that they will encourage me and draw me closer to Jesus, because they will seek God with me and remind me of His faithfulness. I am lonely not because I am incomplete and not because I am not satisfied with Christ, but because this person will share all the joys of God’s redemption with me and there is nothing more exciting. I ache because I SO badly want to serve with them, but not because I am less valuable for being single. I am so completely confident of the type of man I am waiting for. More so than I have ever been before.
Whether this part of my life ever comes to pass or not, it is OK.
I am expectantly waiting – filled with an adrenaline for God to use me.
There is a kingdom we are representing.
We bear the image of a Savior that cascaded mercy down upon us so that we could forever and ever, in full confidence, proclaim that we are covered in abounding love and sought after fiercely.
A lot of times we think of God’s grace as only being found inside of evident blessings and peaceful moments, which is true, but I think you will find that there will never be as much grace pouring into your life as the times it comes flooding in through your most broken moments.
God’s grace can never be over-shadowed when He has slain every giant in your life and conquered every ounce of pain and despair clawing away at your joy.
There is more grace in being carried through by faithfulness than in attaining satisfaction by temporary means.
Keep the fight, remember your value, and pour into other people’s lives, even in your brokenness – because you are here, in this moment, in this situation, to wreak of a glory not your own.
“I am not ashamed, for I know the One in whom I believe and am confident that He is able to keep what I have entrusted to Him.” -2nd Timothy 1:12