There is nothing enjoyable about reminiscing or dwelling on these past situations. Mine happened three and a half years ago. You could say by now I had definitely thought that I had “dealt” with that one. I was completely confident that I had emotionally handled it and was no longer affected by it in any way, other than simply wondering why it had happened.
But did it still have a grip on me emotionally or spiritually?
Well at least not until it came sprinting full-force back at me screaming it’s conditions, screaming that I was under contract with it, that I owed it a remembrance, a thought, that I owed it a part of me.
Screaming that though I had pushed it aside and buried the pain and hurt, the lies, the masquerade, the turmoil, the fallacies and mistrust, the anxiety, they were all still really there and I owed them a moment of recognition.
I could run quite easily, but hiding, I’m not very good at. At least not for an extended period of time and you can’t run forever.
The best physical representation of what this encounter with the ghosts in my closet felt like was equivalent to the times you stand up too fast, your vision goes dark, you feel light-headed and you have to stop and grab the wall to let the moment pass or you’ll fall over.
These moments blindside you.
This part of my past literally felt so irrelevant to me that I had backed myself into a place where even thinking on it didn’t affect me.
I should have realized that I had a pretty major battle coming up when every day that I opened my Bible the same theme kept projecting itself repeatedly and insistently over and over again.
Everything I read reverberated to me
I was enamored by God’s rescuing of me.
I was enamored by His rivers in deserts, His pathways in the wilderness.
I was overwhelmed by His tenaciously persistent seeking of me.
I was enchanted by the fact that I am inscribed in the palm of His hands.
For a blessedly pure moment I was completely overwhelmed and confident of the knowledge that I had a purpose, I had immense value, and it was powerful.
I couldn’t get these thoughts out of my head.
Everyone I talked to I wanted to express this amazing understanding of God’s purpose on our lives and the EXTREME value He has placed on our hearts.
Then that closet door was opened.
Just a crack, but a crack big enough to let the monsters come flooding in, enveloping my thoughts, swarming around the truths I was vainly attempting to keep a handle on.
Instantly, just as prominently as ever I could not get past the fact that I felt worthless.
Feeling as real as the explicit truths of God’s value of me was the immense taunting, bashing and lies of my in-value.
I thought back to the person that these feelings stemmed from, and felt completely stripped of my worth.
Spiritual manipulation rocks you.
It’s hard to know how to get past that.
Someone using your faith as a key to trick and manipulate you can create a pretty outstanding nick in your confidence of God and where He has you and what He could possibly do with you.
Even thinking back on the immediate time that this trial in my life happened I realized that I didn’t struggle so much with the explicit thoughts of having no value, even in the heat of the moment.
Yet here I was, three years later, doubting every truth I knew, feeling stripped, filthy, valueless, broken, etc. and in an instantaneous moment lies rocked the truth right out of me.
It is so easy to forget your value. Especially when you feel the actions of another penetrate the truths that can be so hard to cling to.
What value do you have, when someone can so easily destroy it?
What value do you have, when someone can so easily throw the deepest parts of who you are back at you?
When someone forgets you.
When someone takes advantage of your heart.
When someone robs you of the most sacred part of your emotional being.
Why does God allow these people into our lives?
I think I have finally grasped part of God’s work behind this, at least for myself.
At that point in my life Satan looked at it as the perfect opportunity to steal my value right out from under me.
He knew he could destroy me through this.
He thought he had me right where he wanted me.
What better way to rob someone of their worth than by convincing them their gifts were a lie?
And these were the thoughts that came flying back at me, three years later, penetrating the most vulnerable parts of my –just barely held together – self.
Hitting me over the head again and again…jamming in every last lie until the truth was muffled out completely.
All I could think to myself was, How do I get past this?
How do I accept this and move on?
How do I become OK with this?
And that’s when God blew me away.
That’s when He took every answer I had as to “why” this situation happened in my life and flipped it on its head, and this is what He showed me:
That while Satan took this situation as the perfect opportunity to STRIP me of my worth, God allowed this situation to happen to show me how much value I have in HIM.
That my value was so much more than what this one person could appraise it as or tear it down as.
That my value was not worth what this one person in their lies, their deceit, their manipulation, and their mocking could label it as, but that I was worth SO MUCH MORE and God proved that by freeing me from it.
It looked like God had allowed my heart to break, when in all actuality He was vehemently protecting it, and breaking the bonds that were beginning to tie me down.
He saw this cheap and tainted form of something that is supposed to be perfect and rare come sweeping in and display itself in a facade of realness that was anything but.
God is jealous.
He is jealous of your heart, and anything that would even attempt to bruise, hurt, or destroy its innocence is a real thing grating against God’s pure and unadulterated LOVE and PURSUING of you.
So why are we surprised when He fights for it in the most valiant, persistent, and passionate way?
Why are we surprised when He fiercely battles for the winning of our hearts and desires to protect them from a degraded version of His perfect holding of them?
Not only does He do this to remind us of His agape love, but because He has something AMAZING out there for us, something we cannot find on our own, and settling for a diluted version of it is not in His plans for us.
So He must painfully strip away from us the imitations of His love.
He must painfully encourage us to sit back and wait.
And wait some more.
And while we could at times settle for the closest things to our hearts, if we wait and trust in the amazing plans that are waiting for us, we will not be able to imagine anything better.
Value is not us picking the first thing we see, value is God intricately and meticulously searching until He finds what will cherish us forever.
“He who touches you touches the Apple of His eye…” Zech 2:8
“For the Lord your God is living among you, He is a Mighty Savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With His love, He will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs…He will carry the lambs in His arms, holding them close to His heart.”
“I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in lovingkindness and mercy; I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness, and you shall know the Lord…Then I will sow her for Myself in the earth..” Hosea 2
“You shall also be a crown of glory in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God. You shall no longer be termed forsaken, nor shall your land anymore be termed desolate, for the Lord delights in you..you shall be called Sought Out, a City Not Forsaken..” Is. 62
“I am here to give back your heart and set you free.
I am furious at the enemy who did this to you, and I will fight against him.
Let me comfort you.
For, dear one, I will bestow beauty upon you where you have known only devastation.
Joy, in the places of your deep sorrow,
And I will robe your heart in thankful praise in exchange for your resignation and despair.”