Our Narcissistic Selves


~    Waiting on God. We do it our whole lives. We are always waiting on something. Right now, I’m waiting on a job, a purpose, a calling, a friend. My teenage and early twenties were spent waiting for a husband. But yesterday, while sitting in church I realized something. We as believers can be quite narcissistic. The definition of narcissistic is “A person who is overly self involved, and often vain and selfish.” And when it comes to laying my happiness on whether I have what I want (a husband) or not and my attitude up until now, I’ve been extremely so. I don’t deserve anything. But what I have in this moment is what I’ve been given by the grace of God. I’ve been saved from damnation!!! Cause to celebrate??? I think so!! I realized yesterday that I want God’s perfect will for me above what I THINK will make me happy. And I realized that happiness doesn’t come from our marital status or our situation, it comes from the throne of God. The throne where grace and mercy are poured unreservedly onto our fragile lives.

~   I’m sure when that loneliness stabs like a dull knife I’ll forget. I’m sure I’ll need this reminder over and over and over. But I’m not waiting for a husband or any other fleeting thing. I’m not looking for any of that either. I’m going to get on my knees and beg God for a purpose. I’m going to beg Him to let me make a difference for HIS kingdom, HIS glory, HIS pleasure. And if by His mercy He chooses to send someone my way to fight this war we face daily, them He will give me the grace to be the best I can be. But if His will is for me to be as I am, well then He will indeed supply me with a double portion of grace to see me through.

~   When I was younger and thought of a life spent alone, it frightened me. I didn’t want to be alone. And I certainly did NOT want people to think there was something wrong with me. Why is it that that is the first thing we think of when someone is single? It is a thing to admire, not be looked down on. It takes a lot of strength to fight to be content in singleness. I admire the few people in my life that fight this battle alongside me. Most give in. They get tired of waiting for God to give them what THEY want. Never thinking that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t theirs to have because He had greater things. But as true to our nature, we make it about us. We give God time to ‘do His thing’, but when we have reached our limit; we get what we want ourselves. I’m so much more afraid of being that person than I am of being alone. I’ve lived apart from God’s will before. There was more despair and heartache than I could bear. Above all else, I want my life to be an example of Christ’s grace and love. I want to be so submerged in His goodness and light that people envy the closeness of my walk with God. I’m so tired of my selfish heart. So tired of allowing the things I don’t have to dictate my happiness. So tired of looking at other people’s lives and wondering what is wrong with me and trying to figure out how I can manipulate God into giving it to me.

~   Right now, as I type all this out, I have peace. A peace that whispers ‘whatever happens, wherever I take you, whatever I do or don’t give you, you will be just fine.’ I know this peace won’t always be here. That’s when the fight will begin. And in this fight, my own selfish, narcissistic heart is the enemy. But God says He is greater than our weakness, stronger than our enemies (even if it’s our own sinful heart), more powerful than our deepest desires, and faithful to bear with us and fight for us until the end. How awesome is this Hero, this Warrior, this Redeemer and Lover of our souls?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s